Sunday, 27 November 2016

The Persistence of Being Alone

While I write about many different and sometimes difficult things on my blog, this one may be one of the hardest things to write about which is why, although I will be publishing it, I won't be publicising it.

Regular readers (if I even have any - hello to those that are), will notice that I've been a bit silent over the past weeks. I haven't actually written a post since the beginning of October. I could blame this on third year, being busy, having more important priorities than this (sorry), or a whole host of a number of different things, but honestly I haven't felt like writing, partly because I don't have anything to write about but partly because I didn't want to write this blog post, which I always knew was coming at some point.

Don't get me wrong, I love university, and despite the ups and downs I've had, I can genuinely say I have enjoyed it and wouldn't really change it for the world. Well, that was until this term. In part, I am loving 3rd year, weirdly I am really enjoying my degree, yes there is a lot of work, but organising myself well is the one thing I can say I am really good at and excel in. The content of my work may be shit but I will get it all done on time, probably early. No, the hardest thing this year has been the persistent feeling of being alone. Not lonely, just alone.

Now, when you live with your friends, life can be great but also sometimes it can be really fucking hard. You don't always get to do the fun things you usually do with friends who you don't live with because you see each other every day, and your time spent together is doing silly house related things like arguing about who is going to empty the dishwasher next. I'm finding this very hard to explain without coming off very whiny and selfish, let me try again.
Part of the issue is that my timetable is so messed up with my job and me working from 9pm-3am or even later is that when I am at work, everyone is asleep, but when they are at work or busy with committee things, that's the time I have free, the time when it would be nice to spend time with people other than myself. Like I said, it's not being lonely, but I am increasingly finding myself alone in the house of an evening, perhaps a few hours before work, perhaps not, alone. I get it, everyone has busy lives, I do too. It is just hard sometimes when you see all your friends on a fleeting unimportant basis, and nobody has the time to make time for each other anymore.

This also may be me sounding bitter because I'm single, but it is really not meant to be, I'm happy being me, but it is hard getting sidelined by girlfriends and boyfriends of your friends. I'm so pleased for all my friends in relationships and I wish them the world of happiness together, I truly do, but how can I explain to them that I miss them. How can I ask them to want to spend time with me, just once that actually means something without sounding so extremely selfish, its not fair to them, they want to spend time with the people they love, and yet so do I. This feeling of fading into the background is something I've never experienced before and I'm not sure how to take it. It all got too much for me the other day, well this and a lot of other things that I got such an intense feeling of claustrophobia that I just had to leave Egham, get out of my house, and go some place where I could be alone without feeling alone. So I went to the gorgeous Beth's house at RVC, just for some peace from myself. Being there for 2 days has certainly helped but I'm back now and I'm still not sure how to cope.

Ultimately, I am really looking forward to having a break because I think I need sometime to myself, to believe in myself once more. I'm a very independent person, but not very good at being alone. I'm happy to go out for dinner by myself, hell I even went travelling by myself, and would do again, relying on other people to do the things you want to do is bullshit sometimes. You have to do something yourself if you really just want to do it, not ifs, buts or excuses. Yet that doesn't mean it is not better sometimes to do things with your friends, I think it is finding that balance that I'm struggling with at the moment. Not being somebody's number one priority is hard for everyone, let's be real, we all want to be number one in our friend's lives, just like they want to be number one in ours, but what do you do when that changes, how do you take it, do you keep holding on, or do you let them go? What is too much? What is not enough?

This post was always going to be somber and somewhat depressing so I'm sorry if you've come here looking for some cheering up, you won't find it from me at the moment. My answer to feeling like this? Tell people? Yeah, well I've tried that, it didn't really change much, so now I'm going to embrace myself and love me. Its about time somebody did, because I'm fucking amazing. I'm done feeling sorry for myself, I don't want to complain, I don't want sympathy. A long time ago I wrote a post on what it meant to be strong, now I think I know what it is. It is this.

Have a good week my loves!

Lots of Love, Kate xxx

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